The patterns of my life are strong, and do tend to stay consistent.I don't know what to do any more. I was asked the other day in an off hand way what I really went through in India, and still to this day I can honestly say I don't know. What I can say about it, now that some time has passed, is that it happened nearly just as the plane landed and came to a complete stop.
I can vividly remember the fight and struggle, financially I'm still paying for it, that got me to India. Once the plane had landed all I can see in my memory is why did I do this again? I went to India to look for the answer in religion. For as long as I can remember I have struggled with the idea of God. If there was any where in the world to find it, it would be India. After all the Mahabharata is the oldest religious text we have, moreover, every religion resides in India. If I could find God or some way to tie it all together It would have been there.
I have issues with all major religions, and let me tell you the least valid of them has to be Christianity. Among the text issues that the Bible contains, it is easily traced back to earlier incarnations of the Man-God. Furthermore, there is just no solid proof that Jesus even existed. The best proof we have is a historian named Josephus. Conspicuously at the end of one of his texts it states there was a man named Jesus. Not only is it at the end and is just over all kinda out of place. A lot of people where named Joshua at the time. In short Joshua in Hebrew simply means God is salvation. So, I'm pretty sure that the first century Jews new this, and if they were going to make up a Man-God, they would name him exactly that. To sum this little rant up all you have to do is study to find out everything is bullshit, it's all made up, and it's probably bad for you. The others are just as fake, but I don't feel like railing on everyone. Besides the beef I really have is that a lot of times Jesus is shoved in my face one way or another, and it just pisses me off. If Islam , Buddhism, Zen, Hinduism, or any other religious faction was around me all the time, I'd be pissed at them.
There is an argument that goes across most religious fields, and this argument is used used in such a way to branch all religious ideas together. So, let's imagine an elephant in the middle of the room. Each priest that is in the room he holds a different part of the elephant's anatomy, and then calls that particular part his way to the truth. In other words each religious sect holds honest claim to ultimate truth, and in the end they are all correct, if only through different perceptions.
I honestly believed that there was some way that I could link them all together, and then write books upon books. Not to say others haven't done this, or attempted it. I believed with today's science I could go deeper with it, and come out with some newer and updated insights. This would not be the case.
What I did find, and as I now roam the streets of St. Louis I still see, is absolute nothing. Here is why: All of it is an out and out lie.In fact I'm going to go out on a limb and tell you that not only is Philosophy pretty much a load of shit, so are all religions. I'm not trying to say logic is all bullshit, but the trying to ask why we are all here.... well... it's bullshit.
Nothing could prepare me for the bombshell that hit in my Indian literature class. As i was trying desperately to find early Mysticism documents to begin my search, I was shocked to find nothing prevalent until the early 17th century. I mean common Buddha was round 500 B.C. there had to be some sort of Hindu mystic writing prior to the 17th century, but according to my teachers, and subsequent searches nothing or very very little is out there. Now combine that with the idea the the British start to show up there in force just a little bit before these writings really start to appear. In conclusion those bastards were full of shit and only out for a buck, and Goddamn does it work.
A few years back I did meet a yogi who inducted me into his particular sect of Hinduism. He taught us some yoga exercises, and yes in my own way he helped me see something that may or may not have been God. While at this meeting I did over hear a Hindu talking to him and saying something to the effect that Autobiography of a yogi was just a bunch of lies, and I truly believe that a majority of that book is. Why? Because the man that initiates this line of thinking does not appear and come out of the woods until when? yep, a few years before the British showed up. I find that to be wildly convenient.
So, at this point I don't hold any mysticism as anything but a money scheme, or at the very least I see it as something to give the hopeless and something to keep the hopeful in line. This pretty much has taken everything out of me. I've been left with nothing for two years, and have only been reaching out to nearly everyone and anything to hold on to. Slowly and over time I have not only fallen into a deep depression over it, but I have sincerely lost hope and faith of humanity.
So, what do you do when you have nothing left? Well, you kinda end up going bat shit nuts. I remember having a very interesting experience. In my readings I have seen that if one truly reaches a state of enlightenment one does become one with everything. Just outside the apartment in India they were doing construction. Someone dropped something. It rang out. This happened during a meditation session I was doing with a yoga instructor, and it happened. There was no me there was no bell. I became one with the sound, in fact I was the sound. The only thing I learned is that you can't take that with you. The completeness of the true pantheistic state is ripped from you the second you come back to the realness of the world. The yoga instructor's first words to me were, "So, Jason, what do you want to do with your life?" My to my dismay as I quickly searched the file cabinets, and computer storage files of my mind, I could not come up with anything. All my hopes and dreams were gone, and furthermore who I really was... was no longer there. Nothing.
Not long after this particular incident my 27 year old cousin died. I still not have recovered from either incident. The thought of his dying always comes to feelings. The first it should have been me, and along those same lines jealousy.
Ya see, I no longer see the point in the rat race. I now only see life as a terrible torturous board game. I feel it is like a monopoly game where every time you are about to be able to leave the game some asshole finds a way to keep you in the game. I constantly see things on the internet that promote the idea of not giving a fuck, or that you should not care what other people think.I think I should just simply exit the game, because after all it's only with yourself.
I hail all those who find comfort in faith, for I no longer have any. My insides are rather quite empty. However, it's the simple arguments against God' omniscience and benevolence that get me. If he can do anything and does nothing about it..... well, then he isn't both of those things. There are arguments against this, but to be able to debunk something so cleanly. I feel that is proof enough.
So, here I sit empty and at the very end of my rope. I'm trying to find something anything to keep it all together, but the urge to give up is so very strong. I see no point in the struggle, or anyone else's struggle either. I tried to hold on to things only to find that you can't make someone love you. And most likely if shit gets rough and you do go crazy, people scatter like roaches to light. It's very disheartening, and it often leads to the feeling of being taken advantage of or totally just being blown off. To the very least why people cant stick with things they promise.
Any way right now I am a broken human being trying very hard to find something to pull me through, and every time I think I have found that something it gets ripped away, and I fall just a little bit more. I have been wondering lately just how much farther one can fall. How deep is this pit, or is it just emptiness? For now, I'm so far into the tunnel of nihilism that I can't even see the light from whence I began. There is no reference point any longer, just deep and black on all sides. People sometimes hold up false lights of hope only to rip them away, and the anger and hurt that comes from those actions I can no longer handle.I want to take my boot off the game board. Because I don't see the point.
The scariest part about all of it over all is that it's so deeply rooted I don't know if there is any way out of it. It's like a thick ether that instead helps light travel, it prevents the light from coming in, or back. The stuff resides inside as well as out, and it is eating me every day. Once or twice i might forget the black cancer that grows in my chest, but it always comes back. It's always stronger. I try to placate myself with platitudes and affirmations only to find that the lies I try to sell myself are the same lies the religious figures of today, and yesteryear spewed from mouths of crooked teeth, and hungry greedy hearts.
To me it all feels fake, and I have went off the scale, and I no longer feel the balance of the grey that is absolute truth. Prey for me, send me good vibes, send me good luck, or just forget me. Either way in the end it will all work out in some way, and then you will all look back and say see that was the way it was supposed to go... No that is the way it went. There is no supposed to, or fate to hang your hat on at the end of the day. There is nothing and it is cold here in this nothing.
I can vividly remember the fight and struggle, financially I'm still paying for it, that got me to India. Once the plane had landed all I can see in my memory is why did I do this again? I went to India to look for the answer in religion. For as long as I can remember I have struggled with the idea of God. If there was any where in the world to find it, it would be India. After all the Mahabharata is the oldest religious text we have, moreover, every religion resides in India. If I could find God or some way to tie it all together It would have been there.
I have issues with all major religions, and let me tell you the least valid of them has to be Christianity. Among the text issues that the Bible contains, it is easily traced back to earlier incarnations of the Man-God. Furthermore, there is just no solid proof that Jesus even existed. The best proof we have is a historian named Josephus. Conspicuously at the end of one of his texts it states there was a man named Jesus. Not only is it at the end and is just over all kinda out of place. A lot of people where named Joshua at the time. In short Joshua in Hebrew simply means God is salvation. So, I'm pretty sure that the first century Jews new this, and if they were going to make up a Man-God, they would name him exactly that. To sum this little rant up all you have to do is study to find out everything is bullshit, it's all made up, and it's probably bad for you. The others are just as fake, but I don't feel like railing on everyone. Besides the beef I really have is that a lot of times Jesus is shoved in my face one way or another, and it just pisses me off. If Islam , Buddhism, Zen, Hinduism, or any other religious faction was around me all the time, I'd be pissed at them.
There is an argument that goes across most religious fields, and this argument is used used in such a way to branch all religious ideas together. So, let's imagine an elephant in the middle of the room. Each priest that is in the room he holds a different part of the elephant's anatomy, and then calls that particular part his way to the truth. In other words each religious sect holds honest claim to ultimate truth, and in the end they are all correct, if only through different perceptions.
I honestly believed that there was some way that I could link them all together, and then write books upon books. Not to say others haven't done this, or attempted it. I believed with today's science I could go deeper with it, and come out with some newer and updated insights. This would not be the case.
What I did find, and as I now roam the streets of St. Louis I still see, is absolute nothing. Here is why: All of it is an out and out lie.In fact I'm going to go out on a limb and tell you that not only is Philosophy pretty much a load of shit, so are all religions. I'm not trying to say logic is all bullshit, but the trying to ask why we are all here.... well... it's bullshit.
Nothing could prepare me for the bombshell that hit in my Indian literature class. As i was trying desperately to find early Mysticism documents to begin my search, I was shocked to find nothing prevalent until the early 17th century. I mean common Buddha was round 500 B.C. there had to be some sort of Hindu mystic writing prior to the 17th century, but according to my teachers, and subsequent searches nothing or very very little is out there. Now combine that with the idea the the British start to show up there in force just a little bit before these writings really start to appear. In conclusion those bastards were full of shit and only out for a buck, and Goddamn does it work.
A few years back I did meet a yogi who inducted me into his particular sect of Hinduism. He taught us some yoga exercises, and yes in my own way he helped me see something that may or may not have been God. While at this meeting I did over hear a Hindu talking to him and saying something to the effect that Autobiography of a yogi was just a bunch of lies, and I truly believe that a majority of that book is. Why? Because the man that initiates this line of thinking does not appear and come out of the woods until when? yep, a few years before the British showed up. I find that to be wildly convenient.
So, at this point I don't hold any mysticism as anything but a money scheme, or at the very least I see it as something to give the hopeless and something to keep the hopeful in line. This pretty much has taken everything out of me. I've been left with nothing for two years, and have only been reaching out to nearly everyone and anything to hold on to. Slowly and over time I have not only fallen into a deep depression over it, but I have sincerely lost hope and faith of humanity.
So, what do you do when you have nothing left? Well, you kinda end up going bat shit nuts. I remember having a very interesting experience. In my readings I have seen that if one truly reaches a state of enlightenment one does become one with everything. Just outside the apartment in India they were doing construction. Someone dropped something. It rang out. This happened during a meditation session I was doing with a yoga instructor, and it happened. There was no me there was no bell. I became one with the sound, in fact I was the sound. The only thing I learned is that you can't take that with you. The completeness of the true pantheistic state is ripped from you the second you come back to the realness of the world. The yoga instructor's first words to me were, "So, Jason, what do you want to do with your life?" My to my dismay as I quickly searched the file cabinets, and computer storage files of my mind, I could not come up with anything. All my hopes and dreams were gone, and furthermore who I really was... was no longer there. Nothing.
Not long after this particular incident my 27 year old cousin died. I still not have recovered from either incident. The thought of his dying always comes to feelings. The first it should have been me, and along those same lines jealousy.
Ya see, I no longer see the point in the rat race. I now only see life as a terrible torturous board game. I feel it is like a monopoly game where every time you are about to be able to leave the game some asshole finds a way to keep you in the game. I constantly see things on the internet that promote the idea of not giving a fuck, or that you should not care what other people think.I think I should just simply exit the game, because after all it's only with yourself.
I hail all those who find comfort in faith, for I no longer have any. My insides are rather quite empty. However, it's the simple arguments against God' omniscience and benevolence that get me. If he can do anything and does nothing about it..... well, then he isn't both of those things. There are arguments against this, but to be able to debunk something so cleanly. I feel that is proof enough.
So, here I sit empty and at the very end of my rope. I'm trying to find something anything to keep it all together, but the urge to give up is so very strong. I see no point in the struggle, or anyone else's struggle either. I tried to hold on to things only to find that you can't make someone love you. And most likely if shit gets rough and you do go crazy, people scatter like roaches to light. It's very disheartening, and it often leads to the feeling of being taken advantage of or totally just being blown off. To the very least why people cant stick with things they promise.
Any way right now I am a broken human being trying very hard to find something to pull me through, and every time I think I have found that something it gets ripped away, and I fall just a little bit more. I have been wondering lately just how much farther one can fall. How deep is this pit, or is it just emptiness? For now, I'm so far into the tunnel of nihilism that I can't even see the light from whence I began. There is no reference point any longer, just deep and black on all sides. People sometimes hold up false lights of hope only to rip them away, and the anger and hurt that comes from those actions I can no longer handle.I want to take my boot off the game board. Because I don't see the point.
The scariest part about all of it over all is that it's so deeply rooted I don't know if there is any way out of it. It's like a thick ether that instead helps light travel, it prevents the light from coming in, or back. The stuff resides inside as well as out, and it is eating me every day. Once or twice i might forget the black cancer that grows in my chest, but it always comes back. It's always stronger. I try to placate myself with platitudes and affirmations only to find that the lies I try to sell myself are the same lies the religious figures of today, and yesteryear spewed from mouths of crooked teeth, and hungry greedy hearts.
To me it all feels fake, and I have went off the scale, and I no longer feel the balance of the grey that is absolute truth. Prey for me, send me good vibes, send me good luck, or just forget me. Either way in the end it will all work out in some way, and then you will all look back and say see that was the way it was supposed to go... No that is the way it went. There is no supposed to, or fate to hang your hat on at the end of the day. There is nothing and it is cold here in this nothing.
