Love as a refuge

I thought for a long time love was a refuge that was out side of me. Something tangible some beautiful girl could give me. Really that is all I have ever really yearned for. After all doesn't everyone want to be loved and accepted?

In the past there have been times when my outside world crashed, Financially, spiritually, and mentally. The first symptom of this is self-loathing. If the above situations start to falter the blame I create goes inward. I mean whose fault could it be other than mine? When I like some cute lovely smart girl and she doesn't like me back is it her fault? I have always blamed my self. That is why I have always loved music. It never lets me down. Pearl Jam and The Beatles are only a play button away. Just press it and away you go. Sometimes you turn to music that reflects how you feel, or something to lift you up into a better state of mind. However, music only goes so far. That refuge only lasts as long as the album does. There is always the replay option, but with anything, even Pearl Jam gets old.
There is another option. I have found one particular movie to always up lift me. This film would be The Shawshank Redemption. It sounds strange, but it is a movie based on hope. I see the town it was filmed in and my home as a place, dark and drab, but the movie as a sign that even in the shittiest times and places friends are made. Love can be found in the darkest dungeon. I'd like to argue that Shawshank is a love story. The best kind of love story there could be. It's plutonic love. However, in the end love is love. All you need is someone there to hold your hand. So, when times get rough and ugly I just pop this one in. I can't tell you how many times I've seen the whole thing, or how many times I've fallen asleep to it. It's some how a comfort to fall asleep to hope and love.
When things get really ugly it is inevitable that I'll run into some girl that just bedazzles me. I'll be stricken with some sort of need to be with her. I'm most sure that this is because I've seen enough movies to know that is how you fix shit: fall in love. It'll work out in the end. I have distaste for movies that end great. I'll have to mention the Garden State as being one of those. Things just don't happen that way. Things end, and they tend end badly. Okay, so I'll remove my self here from the current narrative. They end badly because one person leaves another. One way or another the relationship will end. In death or other wise it'll be over just give it time. I know this, give it time and it will end.
So, when I really liked this one girl, okay, it was two different ones, but both time the same exact situation occurred. So we will stick with one just to keep things a little sane. I do sit back and wonder how the hell I conjured up two different people thousands of miles apart that acted and responded the same to the situation. Maybe it was because they were catholic… Fuck that I wont blame the pope, but I will mention him.
Anyhow in retrospect all I wanted was to fall asleep to hope. I latched on to this girl. The worst part (and not because I'm assuming) because I know it to be true; she let me attach my self to her. She let me do it! Still to this day I can't see why any one would allow some one to latch one to them with no intention of latching on to the other themselves. All I wanted was to have some one to hold and tell me (even though I knew my self) everything is going to be okay. I wanted to hear it from an outside source whom meant it. I was looking for a strong bond with a female, not to save me, but to hold me. I want to reiterate that A) I couldn't tell myself I loved me. B) I truly felt that I had nothing to look forward to. So I just wanted some one else to say I love you and some one who wanted to see me. I wanted a mutual synergy. I didn't care if they lasted. I just wanted a buoy, one to hold my head above the water. Instead I found anchors that only sank me faster.
I've since learned to swim. Being here in this moment has been one of those teachers. Escape only comes from within. I try now to hug myself daily, or maybe give myself a wink. At any rate nothing lasts. I just wanted an hour with her. I'm now thankful that I only got the minute.